Household Hints for the Extremely Befuddled

(Now-! With links that work!)
We’ve received a second installment of wisdom in fax-form from the great fount of home-repair knowledge that is Handyman Al. You may recall that the last installment consisted of house-painting tips with such gems as height times width equals area.

Well, this time, Handyman Al’s anointed us with—Let’s use his exact wording: “Super Handyman Al Shares Hints on the Best Tools to Keep Around the House.” This makes me think that he’s not actually going to come right out and tell us which tools are useful, but that he’ll instead have bulleted insinuations, maybe even rhyming clues, a’la:

I’m sharp and easy to try out/but don’t run with me or you’ll poke your eye out!

But no. Instead, he starts off with: “First, you’ll need a 16-ounce claw hammer with good balance.” Followed by “Also, get a good adjustable wrench and a pair of pliers.” And then “A handsaw is handy, a crosscut saw with two-foot blade is useful.”

But useful for what, Al, what??? It could be that this is just the tip of something bigger: Al’s plan for America (or at least Georgia) to stockpile very basic tools for some master scheme. We can only await his next communiqué.